Dancing · with · thoughts

I really, really shouldn't be posting right now. i have a HUGE lab to familiarize myself with before the lab meeting tomorrow, and before i TA twice this week.. but in any case, i am.  i've had an interesting few days...

on thursday, i hung out later on campus because there was a talk being put on by the anthro dept called 'animal orgasms'. i don't want to sound pervy, but from an evolutionary perspective, this is a topic that has been of interest to me, so i got some kids together and we went. but instead of having a bio anthro talk, we heard this guy from NYU talk for two hours on beastiality!!!!!  it was horrible!! or more.. horrifying!  in fact, this person voluntarily watched 40 hours of beastie porn, and came to the conclusion that "there are no money shots in beastiality". it was .. really.. just incredible.. litterally: you canNOT believe it.  actually, in terms of social commentary, he had some interesting things to say.. and i mean, i never thought that i would be watching cartoon beastie porn from 1928, but still.  definitely different.....

yesterday, i got these pants hemmed that i bought when i had mono and i've been holding onto ever since, in the hopes that they will again fit me. they are these really nice Citizens jeans and they actually fit me now! really well! [honestly, it's devastating... those jeans now fit, but my dear dear earnest sewns are too big! BLAST!. but mostly, i'm pleased that i'm getting these hemmed and i think they're going to be v. cute when i get them back next week. also, on my little clothing parade around downtown, i found a place that will order me a Mat&Nat laptop bag [v. sweet. v. vegan], AND i finally went and got fitted for a proper bra! holy shit. every woman in the world needs to find herself a proper lingerie shop [and believe me, i never thought that i would find a sweet one in regina of all places], and buy proper bras. so... all my life, i've considered myself a 34A.  as in, for 8 years. i bought a bra at this shop [where they have so much stock, they don't even put it out.. they keep it in the back and bring you sizes and styles they think you'd like, and then you can go from there... i had the most wonderful girl helping me out.. i have a super crush] and it's a 30B. and i tried on another brand that worked well, but wasn't what i was looking for, and it was a 28C!!! i couldn't believe it. seriously.

fuck. this post is too long. i HAVE to conquer this lab!!! 

have i mentioned how intensely tired i am?  i guess 5 hours of sleep after a day of drinking only coffee, fruit beer and mulled wine will really kick you in the face the next day. but i had all my laundry done and my apartment clean by 10.30 this morning!!

Man I love that line. it makes me smile so hard.. and makes me heart yearn to be closer to gord's.

I slept terribly last night, I had a very difficult time relaxing and then didn't find it easy to fall asleep, and when i finally did, i left my light on, so i woke up two hours later by its light.  then i had trouble falling asleep again, so i came out to the living room and watched tv for a bit [this was at 3am], fell asleep here, then woke up at 4 and moved back to bed, but then had trouble again falling asleep, but finally did then woke up for good at 7.20.  I was feeling really anxious about school, and I shouldn't be allowed to watch 'law and order' when i'm feeling vulnerable because then i panick that i'm going to be broken-into and killed and then my mind wanders from there. hopefully, by putting it into writing, i'll realize how insane i'm being and will then stop. i hope i work like that...!

it's a gorgeous day today, and i get to only play with grant crap.
a toast to grant applications!

I'm trying to be a good student. I'm trying to focus hard and work intensely on my NSERC application... but I'm short on sleep and high on coffee, which usually is a good combination, but right now, really isn't cutting it.  In addition, I just got an email informing me that our lab photo is going to be taken this morning, which means I really should shower, much to my dismay.  But I get to run today, so I suppose that's a bonus...


Have I mentioned how much I love Gossip girl?  It's my latest television obsession. eep!  I'm so in love..

I met for coffee yesterday with a girl that I met on the bus. Which sounds super sketch, I know, but we bonded over indie music, so now I have someone to go to the Final Fantasy concert with! hurrah! Actually, it was really good. Two hours passed, and I didn't even realize it.  So I'm pleased, really. It's nice to make friends.  We're going to have coffee again next week.

I need to work harder on directing my thoughts strictly on work, instead of dancing with ideas of what shoes I want next [as though I have continuous funds].  But all I want to do is play with fashion... la la la la la....

I just had an awesome meeting with Mark, my supervisor. I'm so pumped.  I'm also feeling a bit overwhelmed, because, basically, the next few days of my life are going to be COMPLETELY devoted to reading. just reading. I have three different topics now to become very familiar with, all of which pertain to bats or my project, but i'm feeling mostly motivated. i suppose that NSERC is my first priority, and i should make it such.  so the rest of today will be devoted to that.  and for that i have decided to write a proposal on prospecting in bats, which is sort of interesting, but not entirely what i want to devote myself to.  secondly, for my class we have to write a synthesis paper, and i've decided to write mine on roost fidelity, with the hopes of it actually _going_ somewhere, which is an incredibly foreign idea.  lastly, my thesis: examining the fission-fusion system is definitely a possibility, which is awesome, because that could definitely go somewhere, and i could definitely do something rather fancy with that, which really suits my needs and desires.

i'm so pleased and motivated right now.  plus, i'm putting myself on a definite gym schedule, also fancy, so i can keep this fit body that i have definitely grown to love [did i mention that i became fit over the summer. about 40X stronger than i have ever been in my life. and i love it, although i can already feel the arm muscles melting away, so the goal is to really not let that happen.], and will definitely also prevent me from going completely NUTS with work. 

okay. i'm starting to feel like a proper grad student. now i just need to warm up and have my yummy cinnamon rooibos tea. mmm.

I just got home.  I went to see 'Knocked Up' at the cheap theatre with Erin and Kristin.  It's the first Saturday that I've been in Regina and haven't been drinking [too] heavily.  Which is a nice change... last year was an incredibly sober year... no.. that's not right, and that's not me complaining.  What I'm thinking of, is not alcohol consumption [since Gord and I would have wine several times a week with dinner.. we were so grown up], but being out, and being social.  My weekends here are full of social interaction, though apparently not full enough to ward off the lonely "depression" that I had for the first two weeks.  Right after gord left, and i was alone, in my messy apartment, with no order, no plan, no direction, and MAN i was freaked. sooooo freaked. and desperate, mostly.  i was searching for _anything_ to cling to.  but now i'm okay.  I can handle this.  And I'm becoming a lot more comfortable with the notion of living here.  Regina isn't bad, it's just smaller, and more full of crime.  But so far, I'm calming down.  I'm attempting to make this the new normal.

It's been so long since I've posted.  I should try and explain my summer. But there is no way to put such an incredible time... I learned SO much. I learned about what life is like NOT in cities [so foreign..!!], how to relax. how to appreciate what's around me.. although i don't truly think that i never did that before, or that i do that any differently now... but being in nature all the time, being surrounded by wildlife and right in the middle of an ecosystem. an ecosystem that isn't urban. that seems crazy.  i learned about ranching. i found out what it's like to live in the middle of nowhere, and how to make that somewhere. 

now i'm tired. but i'm pleased. i really am. I TA-ed last week for the first time, and then again this week threetimes, and i LOVE it. i like teaching. i like interacting with the students.. i get so excited [although maybe that's the coffee... of which i've started drinking toooo much. i need to practice sleeping past 7am... i'm going to start my sleep-in project tomorrow..], and i think that they respond to that. 
i really enjoy my lab kids. so much. they're kind and generous and sweet, and like social behaviour [within the lab, naturally]. although everyone is very "ecology" [i dress up too much for them!], i adore them and we all get along really well. seriously.

so. overall. i'm happy. or at least getting there. and now gord and i aren't sure that we're going to be able to go to france [mostly, he has soo much work to do and feels that he shouldn't take a week off--which i HATE, but support], but he'll be here with me soon. for minimum three weeks.. and that will be beyond wonderful.  it'll be nice to have him here.

**lovelove**

It has been ages since I've posted.  And I have quite a bit to say, in fact, starting with living in Regina [" the city that rhymes with fun!"], being a grad student, attempting to create a home in this mess, and things along those lines.

But mostly, all I want to say right now, is how immensely pleased I am with my 600 thread count sheets.  It makes a WORLD of difference! eep!

MMmmm... so far. 25 is pretty great. once you get used to saying it, that is.

Allow me to elaborate:

On thursday, my day started slowly, although I had a wonderful walk to work: shining sun, great air, awesome music [i'm still so into bloc party--although i don't like the new one nearly as much as silent alarm, but i didn't expect to].  Then work was slow, but sarah snuck a card in my locker, and everyone was sweet.. but something odd was happening.  I was suspiscious. And rightfully so: my co-workers teamed up with gord and threw me a surprise birthday lunch~!! ALL vegetarian, which really means something in alberta. I knew it was coming, but bloody hell, it was fantastic. I couldn't stop smiling. There were so many people there, and I made us go around the table and everyone say what they were doing when they turned 25. It was a birthday that I will never forget. It was so soo sweet.  The food was quite good and everyone was so happy and smiling.. just the way i like it. The afternoon was slow, but I deliberately spent extra time playing with bunnies unnecessarily.  When I got home, gord gave me my present: knowing full well that I've been jonesing to get back into violin, but have had zero time, he took my violin in to be restrung, tuned, and all-over fixed [a note: I adore my violin. I'm not terrible good at it, but i love [LOVE] my violin]. As soon as i held it, I felt so happy. I haven't used vibrato, or spicatto, or any fancy things in years.. and I'm enjoying the idea of having a hobby. One thing I'm learning this year, my year "off" [which has been busier than any other years, I must say], is that I need to appreciate relaxation and not filling every moment of my life with work. Anyway, gord got me a few books, and a tuner, and man, I'm so in love.  That night, we went out for Ethiopian food [a favourite of mine] and I fell asleep at 9pm [i'm still catching up from easter weekend!].

Yesterday, we went to west ed..  I got new frames! These fancy little D&Gs that are so sweet and red!  Not too red, a bit more burgundy. I have trouble with most modern frames because my face is small, and they make me look cross-eyed. So I was ecstatic to have found these! And I bought adorable little yellow flats.  Gord was pleased too. We finished off the night with Reign on me, which I mostly just cried through [not a light story... actually quite depressing but overall wonderful]. 

So...25. I was scared.  A quarter century seemed like too much life. I almost didn't feel mature enough to earn that age. But then... fuck it, I say. I have done so many things. I have travelled to amazing places. I have met people that I treasure, and I have held tighter the people that I treasure. I have found a person that I will share my life with and who I can't imagine being without.  I am sort of narrowing my life goal.  I have hobbies that I love, style that I'm working out, and I'm really just aiming at happiness. I am non-judgemental but bitchy. I am open-minded but sheltered. I'm trying to balance my two sides: my "i love life and adore all things in it and want to live in such a way that incorporates that ideal" and my "i am stuck up and desire an aesthetically pleasing lifestyle [sort of]" side.  The two sides often conflict, and come out in different conversations, different moments, different people.   Anyway, I'm on my way. I'm figuring this stuff out.  I'm just going where my ideas and my desires take me, and hopefully, I'll be amazed by the outcome.  I am hopeful.. Hopelessly hopeful.

Oh man. birthday.  i had all these things that i wanted to write in here.. but i've spent too much time tonight dicking around and now i just want to veg in front of top model.
so, my philosophical "the beauty of aging" thoughts will have to wait until tomorrow. real birthday. can you believe it? i can't.
i'm so hot.

I watched bon cop/bad cop last night. it was awesome. i fucking love canadian film. well, mostly.

i wish i was more interested in posting on here. i have nothing to say except that i'm sick of studying and the test is 17 days away and i'm scared i'm unprepared. i wish i had more computer time and i'm getting very excited to start my masters and have a laptop in front of me at all times, keeping me constantly updated with the people that i love.

because i'm feeling distant and sad towards pretty much everyone. and that really depresses me.
it's shit that all the people who mean the most to me [minus one] live in another fucking province. i've decided not to let this happen again. it's shit.